This has become a routine affair now... sleepless nights, wet eyelids... filled with rambled thoughts.. excruciating pain inhaled with every breath that i take.. a turmoil inside my soul..
trying really hard each day to accept the truth.. to accept my fate.. to be happy and to feel content -- for you & for me -- but this heart continues to drive me to insanity.. confusion has induced me to make allies with contemptible thoughts.. but no one can ever understand why i love you still.. i understand its so wrong now.. but i find no other way but to keep loving you...being filled with irresistible emotions..
fate had it that we met.. Two complete strangers, out of nowhere. Yet, even if we were always afar, but i always could feel an inexpressible joy of entirety with you, when you used to be on the other side... bcoz ours has always been a special relationship built affectionately, nurtured with care and luv.. a bond so strong that even if i sometimes try hard to remain silent, or to go away from u, I am finding it so impossible... I have got addicted to you.. i just couldn't know when tides of love just engulped me into its possession & eyes and heart got filled with dreams..
but fate had it that i wasn't deemed worthy enough for you.. so my dreams were to get crushed
it was like a howling wind came & destroyed my sand castle the moment i completed it!!
I never had the maturity to handle tougher situations... and never have i been able to go along by what mind says...rather i have always followed my heart devotedly... and this fragile faltering heart now makes me do things i am confused about.. not knowing where will it take me to..
i realise that God didn't grant me you because i wasn't worthy for you.. i dont know what's kept in store for me in future but i surely know that i can never get another you... and so can never love anyone again, as much as i love you...
it's only in dreams now that i can keep you before my eyes, all day long looking at you, into your eyes and living every single moment like a lifetime of bliss..
it's only in dreams now that i find solace, imagining your smile on any of my silly jokes or of our happy times spent and memories made..
it's only in dreams now that i find utter happiness when i play pranks on you and getting your mock admonishes, i so love when you act like getting angry on me..
it's only in dreams now that i can keep on talking with you all day long, about anything and every little thing without bothering about the time..
it's only in dreams that i can remain drowned in your love all day long, without any opposition..
Why then sleep continues to give my eyes a miss? Can't fate now have some mercy as to allow me to dream?

It's still hurting, it's still killing... however much I try to smother this pain...
each night i think the tears would end up finally and my eyes will empty up... but i end up crying every night..
Your memories, your remembrances aren't dying... the realisation that i can never have you in my life is killing me
I never knew i could love someone so madly, never knew i would still miss you even after going silent for so long...i had thought with days passing by, i will get used to the pain... i will get over you and will get back my normal self... I thought I will be able to move on... i never knew it would pain this much loving you ...
Now i m still unable to stop myself...
i just wanna become numb... like a lifeless being, i don't wanna feel anything...
I never knew that silence can be so painful.. it's a dilemma, it pains me when I don't get to talk with you and even when I talk with you, i feel like getting killed
You will never understand, you will never feel it...
losing the one you love the most and still not being able to move on...
I am standing on a quicksand when i know very well that i am going to sink into it if i stay...
All that I want now is a few minutes of sleep and peace...
Why do you keep coming in my dreams? Please spare me a few minutes of sleep, I beg of you...
Why do I still find you in dreams?
Why is my fate still playing games with me?

overwhelming emotions ... feelings that continue to eat me up from within... burning furiously beneath the chambers of this yearning heart.. uncontrollable heart..continuing to flutter when an image of you comes up before my eyes, as i try to sleep, closing my eyes... and the rest of the night, I am filled with thoughts of you.. longing for the moments we had spent.. your face pounds in my head, keeps pulsating through my body...i feel so damn psychotic ..i know this is so wrong... but still am unable to accept the reality... you are now someone else's...
I wait for my pain to burst out.. I just want it to burst out and somehow feel empty... I am fed up with this masqueraded smile..
It seems like everything i do and every song that i hear, brings to my mind these thoughts of you ..it's killing me.. i am not strong enough for all these.. the edge is crumbling by fractions.. I am failing continually to bottle up these tides of emotions.. I am feeling choked up.. i had never loved anyone this much ever.. nor will ever be able to... I just wanna go numb, as to never again to feel you! i dont want to put you in a disturbed state but i continue to love you.. like it's beyond my control to stop..

It's a new day, a new morning and the first thing in the day that comes to mind is you! I don't wanna become an exhibitionist, I don't want to fall weak, but now I am unable to think anything else, virtually nothing else comes to my mind other than you..
"Do you know what void means?" --- this is what you had said to me once long back, when Chabi had left you heart broken .... I tried hard to be there with you all the time, tried never to leave you alone, lest you might start thinking about your past ... because I could never see you down, I could never bear you crying, not even in my dreams... because no one had cared for me like you always did, like you do , anything that happened in my life, good or bad, I always had you to share that with... I always felt so fulfilled sharing every little bit of me with you.... I always felt like we were closer than anyone else on earth .....
Having you with me always made me feel so much at ease, so much blissed, like I was in some paradise, just having you before my eyes used to make me crazy .... no one could have loved me as much as you do, no one could have showered so much  of affection like you always did .... still I hadn't fallen in love with you until then... I don't know either when exactly did I lose my heart to you.
I just couldn't know...
I had prayed for the best possible life partner for you,
.... just couldn't know, when exactly did I start loving you and then now every time I hear something about your marriage, it hurts me so badly .... Am I being selfish? Perhaps yes... but I am finding it impossible to make this heart understand.... I haven't loved anyone so deeply, so crazily....
Now i fear each day of losing you, losing you to someone else, forever ... I don't know but I am unable to keep myself sane anymore .... I love you very very much, I never could know that I loved you .... Now just the thought of you going away from me shatters me ... I can never be the same .... why... why did I ever  come across you if I was never meant for you ever? why does this feeling keep coming back  like I am being pulled towards you every now and then? No one loved me as much as you, no one understood me as much as you, no one cared for me as much as you ...and now I am unable to think beyond you ... I can never be the same again without you.

They say "Don't let someone become your everything, because when they're gone you have nothing! " ...... you became my everything.... and now I can't afford to lose you, I amn't able to let you go .... I will have nothing left ....
I don't know what's right and what's wrong... even today I don't know if my falling in love with you is right or wrong  ... I amn't sure about how you would react on knowing .... but however much I try, my heart fails me each time, I just am n't able to stop loving you .... Each day i try telling myself to understand that, perhaps you can never be mine ... to forget everything and move on with life .....
but how is that possible? The very next moment your image comes up before my eyes and I go weak on my knees .... I can never move on without you ....
 I wanna hear your voice once again, I want your caring words never to stop, I want to be able to talk to you like older days, I want to watch a favourite TV show with you, I wanna every little and big thing that happens to me, with you ..... all my life ..... I am just not been able to let you go, from my heart .... just not been able to stop loving you, just not been able to stop thinking about you .....
Now I am unable to take myself away from you, am finding it heart-wrenching to go away from you, when actually all I want is to be with you, all my life ..... I don't want to lose you ever .... won't be able to live .... now I know the meaning of VOID ... not having you in my life ....

No one can care for me like you do, No one completes me like you do, nor can anyone do.... I can't love anyone else other than you, because you are here in my heart everywhere, deep down the veins, i just can't take you out of me ..... I need you, I need you so badly to feel like living once again ....
each day I dream of you .... a hand slipped into my empty hand that says in a gentle whisper “I am here, I am here and you will no longer walk alone” ... can't that dream materialise??

When I think of you, when I read our old conversations in chats and emails, I cry my heart out to bring those moments back, I don't want to lose you, I want you whole-heartedly for the whole of my life .. I want to speak out all of my heart before you, I wanna say it to you, that i love you, I want to keep loving you all my life... but I am not finding enough courage to do that, I am unable to say it so .... I fear I might lose you forever, what if you say no! I don't want to lose you in any way ....
..... I am there with everyone and yet am n't there anywhere... a visible crowd keeps me company most of the time and yet, I die each minute, every second not finding you ....
Now my day starts thinking about you and ends thinking about you, missing you in-between all along .... Now I have understood what void means ... not having you with me ......

Some voids are really difficult to fill up

I'm trying really hard, I have been consciously pushing myself to keep myself buried with work.... I have been trying hard to keep myself engaged, in something or the other, so that I don't think about you. But however much i try, nothing but you come to my mind. I just am not able to forget you. I am still failing to clean up my slate of your memories.
Will I ever be able to do that?
Even if my natural tendency is be happy, to laugh, to be joking around but now I am no more able to behave normal like before .... I am trying hard, facebooking, tv, movies, friends .... sometimes I am even letting out a smile or a luagh, however fake that might be... but I amn't feeling that charm as before, that happiness from within isn't coming.. everything is superficial, my smiles have become forced ones.

I just wish something hits me hard and I forget everything .....
this guilt feeling is eating me up ..... and this unrelenting heart is not listening .....
My whole life has now changed ..... it has gone topsy-turby , I have tried so hard to gather myself, but I am failing each time .... I don't know why my feelings changed, why I fell in love, I am still to understand what has happened but am unable to leave, even after trying so hard ... I had never known that love would be this painful, .... kyun hua... kab se hua .... kuch bhi jaan nahin paaya..... mann ka ghulam bangaya, kab kaise kar betha .... gave away the whole of me to you ....

The one because of whom you are in intense pain, the one because of whom the heart is crying... and yet ... fhirbi yeh dil ussi ke paas jaane ko baar baar tadap raha hei.... I am getting pulled to that same person, again and again ..... probably because i had never experienced so much love from anyone else. Probably because I also got so many innumerable moments of care, affection, concern for me from you.... is this what is called love? Baar baar woh sab moments yaad aaja te hein .... har woh lamha, har woh din .... chotti se chotti baat .... no body had loved me this much .... Kaise jaaun durr tumse?

I don't think I will ever be able to love anyone else as much as I love you. Because I have no more of love left in me.... I have given all my love to you. There is nothing left, no more space left in my heart ..... I gave it all, gave it the whole of myself, have nothing left anymore of me .... However much I try to go away from you, I am getting pulled back to you every time.

Why did I turn this way? Why have I been made so emotional? Whoever gives me affection and love, why do I get entangled with him or her? Why can't I be practical that not everything that I love can be mine? Why am I not able to understand that you were never made for me?
Why am I refusing to accept that you will never love me the way I love you?

Why amn't I accepting the fact that I am the closed chapter?
"Life is like a book ... containing a hundred pages or so ....
sometimes someday a particular page seems very interesting, we love reading that page ....

But ... but after a while, we turn onto the next page and move on......
after a while other pages seem interesting too ....
and that previous particular page , even if we loved it, still like it, gets lost in the innumerable pages ....
we don't remember the page number of that page, anymore ..... "

Probably I have got some deficiencies. Why amn't I looking at my deficiencies?
yeh baat, mann kyun nahin samajh jaata? kyun nahin samajh raaha?
It's a practical thing perhaps ... we can't remain stuck up in that particular page alone, always! .....
The whole book needs to be explored!
That's a practical thing ....
Why am I doing everything from heart? Why am i still folling my heart's diktats? Why can't I use my brain instead?

However much I may try, but probably I won't be able to change myself ever ....
and perhaps, neither will I be able to make this heart understand that I can never have you in my life
Love hurts .... I had no right to fall in love ....

not knowing what to do and where to go....
i honestly want to free you out of my heart, now that you are someone else's .... but had never experienced such a strong pull, such bonding that keeps pulling me back to you, each time that i am trying to keep myself away...
i had never loved this much... had never felt love .... and now i have nothing absolutely nothing left inside me, am totally exhausted now.... All I have now is a complete emptiness within ... I am unable to stop loving you even if I want to...
even when i realise that perhaps you never loved me, you never saw me that way, you cared for me, you have been always so very affectionate towards me but perhaps never had such feelings for me, because i never told you about my feelings... and yet I amn't being able to take out these one-sided feelings of mine... i am failing to give you up .... I am failing to take you out of me ... i still am holding on to you, clinging onto you in my heart... i feel helpless when i try not loving you... i seem to know now no other way but to just keep loving you.

when everyone is saying to stop thinking about you, to stop loving you, to stop dreaming about you... it's hurting like a razor stuck in the neck.... because each minute, all the time, all day long, the only thing i feel like doing is to keep loving you... I have almost forgotten everything else....nothing comes to mind but you...
I have never felt this miserable... this is going nowhere... Now this pain is increasingly getting unbearable, beyond all limits. i have been still failing to take you out of me.. You are now someone else's, and i understand that, i respect that ... i earnestly want to let you free now, to let you lead your life in happiness, to let you enjoy your new life .. but however much i try, I am unable to forget that i still love you.... this heart takes me to you all the time, it knows nothing but to keep loving you...
even when i know, this is now real life, this is no movie..... and yet
whatever i do, i amn't been able to see anything, anyone other than you, you seem to be all around me, everywhere .... i am feeling miserable... totally helpless... am having no control on myself ... this can't be love... this is turning into obsession now... one can't hold one's life, one's happiness tightly if she truly loves him ... i truly love you and i want you to be happiest most at all times ....
but I am unable to find out how to give you up....

i want to sleep again, i want some peace for my eyes now ... I have lost all, lost everything with you ... i want to sleep again ... i want to be like before ....
and yet I don't know how not to love you still .... because even when i try not to love you now, i have forgotten everything else ...whatever i do, i just seem to be loving you ... Your image keeps floating right infront of me, in my eyes, all the time ... how to erase those images from my mind and from my heart....

Why wasn't I made for you? I am not able to bear this pain
I am ready to get used to this pain, i will make it a part of my life but I can't leave you, I can't go away from you

bottled up emotions

I am feeling really choked up... this is getting increasingly difficult each day, bottling up emotions.... faking laughters, losing myself in the crowd...
I have been missing you so much all these months.... I don't know how I could keep myself away from you, how I could hold myself back, it has been very difficult reigning myself back from you since so long, but I am falling weak with each passing day... I may give up some day soon.

bahot miss kar rahi hoon tumhe, bahot yaad arahi hai...
However much i may try, i will never be able to take you out of me, my mind or from my heart!
Every little word that you had said to me, every memory of yours keeps rewinding in my head, keeps looping .... I keep thinking what you had said once, our times spent together
those moments when you had cared for me, loved me ... when you were concerned for me.... even for the smallest of things.
You truly became my angel!
So many days have passed now, and I have been devoid of your affection since so long,
I long to talk to you, I long for your call to come, I long to get an email from you every single day, like I used to get those days.... I know I won't get one now, and yet this heart aches in search of one, at least a few words from you.... no one had loved me, cared for me this much.
People say that with time, almost every relation starts fading.
So many months have passed by now, I haven't talked to you since so long, i haven't heard from you.
yet I feel like my love for you is strengthening more and more with each passing day... probably because I can't love anyone else but you.
When I find you online after days together, it kills me when I am not been able to talk to you.
I had never known that love could be this painful.
Where did I go wrong? I am still not able to see my mistake
I want to go to sleep at night, wake up every day, and breathe knowing, assured that you are truly mine...
I am still confused, about the sudden change in your feelings .... why? I am baffled. But I am n't able to take you out of my mind .... I have n't been able to tame this uncontrollable heart.... I just can't think of anything other than you, at any point of time now a days.
it's definitely hurting not being able to be with you, not being able to empty out my feelings before you....
With each passing day, this strange fear grips me altogether, I fear of losing you forever, to someone else.... i can't think of  that... I can't imagine losing you... it pains me really hard thinking about ever losing you, even when I am n't sure about your feelings ...
I still don't know how and why I fell in love with you in the first place.
Every time I try letting you free and going away from you forever, thias heart of mine just doesn't let me go and I am getting pulled back each time.
I wish I could keep loving you all my life and could have you before my eyes all my life, all the time .... because now more than a part of me resides in you.....