Moving on

When things happen, they happen for a reason.
Live life and don't look back, no matter who you leave behind...
I now got to accept it somehow.
For one can never move back ... and when one moves forward, she should move with neither hurt or Love, but instead with purpose...
because hurt will only consume one, and Love will only blind one ... but purpose will drive her forward...

Once someone gets into one's heart, she can never forget him or get over the memories, no matter how much pain she would have to bear...
It's really difficult when one loves someone for unexplainable reasons....
this feeling from underneath my skin wants me go back to you, as if I am blinded in love...
No matter how long i go without talking, you always find a way back into my heart each day... no matter how hard i try to forget you, i fail.... seems like i can`t ...
But no more of "what ifs" now... it is finally time for me to move on.... I should.....
I can't do this to myself anymore, i owe it to myself.
i will have to push aside all forlorn thoughts and leave behind all bittersweet memories
I will never forget you, or the times we shared but I can't go on like this... I can't make it difficult for you and me...

Nothing will turn back time... it’s best not to keep holding onto you... because you were never mine... you never were in love with me, i fell in love with you ..... and it surely hurts even now because i loved u with the whole of me... more than i could have ever loved anyone, it is so overwhelming even now but it was my one sided love and that's the truth...
You chose the right path...  now it's my turn....
The hours of missing you still drive me insane... I don’t know how to do that but I have to move on now.
I wish I knew how to turn over the pages of heart...
I just wish falling out of love was easier than falling in love...

Dreams, once more...

In my dreams, I am a different me
...in a different world
and I feel free ... my smiles are real
and I am able to feel once again,
something other than this pain...
I feel safe... I feel sane

Sweet dreams take me to somewhere real, somewhere new
But then quickly I fall, I drop... it turns into a nightmare
shadows reappear...i fall into darkness once more
The never-ending madness inside me over-powers me...
I try to run... but can't turn back..
it's clutches are so strong
When I finally feel strong and I am on my feet,
When I finally feel complete,
I lose it all....,
Into darkness, I sink once more

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment,
when you are between being asleep and being awake,
when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy,
when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul
that the dream is a reality, and it really happened...

Lessons learnt from A Tea Cup

I read this beautiful story about a tea cup and there couldn't be perhaps any better inspiring lesson to be learnt than this story, when the chips are down, when we feel that God has been partial with us, that He has specially chosen us for all our miseries, that He isn't doing anything to lessen our miseries!

Once a couple had gone shopping to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, especially tea-cups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked "May we see that one? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

As the sales-lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea-cup spoke, "You don't understand." it said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me, pounded me, and patted me over and over until I yelled out, 'Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone!', but he only smiled, and gently said; 'Not yet!'

"Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel, and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. 'Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!', I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, 'Not yet.' He spun me, poked and prodded me, and bent me out of shape to suit himself, and then......

"Then he put me into the oven. I had never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. 'Help! Get me out of here!' I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as he shook his
head from side to side, 'Not yet'.

"When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! 'Ah, this is much better,' I thought.

"But, after I had cooled, he picked me up and brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were terrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please stop it. Stop it!' I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'.

"Then suddenly he put me back into the oven. Only, this oven was not like the first one. It was twice as hot, and I just knew that I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced that I
would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened, and he took me out and placed me once again on the shelf. There I cooled and waited ------- and waited, wondering, 'What's he going to do
to me next?'

"An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!'

"Quietly he spoke: 'I know that it hurt you to be rolled and pounded and patted, but if I'd left you alone, you would have dried up.

"I know that it made you dizzy to be spun around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled.

"I know that it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.

"I know that the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life.'

"If I hadn't put you back in the second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long, because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.'"

The moral of this story is:

God knows what He's doing [for each of us]. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us, and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this....Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter.

you continue to come in my dreams .. today as well you came ... your thoughts engulf me completely ... and i feel so vulnerable...burning ever so precariously my heart at this moment...but why do you keep coming back in my dreams, when i have been trying so hard to let you free from inside me? can't you see how much it's killing me?
do you feel a certain something in your heart, when i am missing you so terribly? doesn't your heart flutter when i place my hand on my chest, on my heart, closing my eyes and speaking out my heart? do you hear my heart's voice?
i am at a lack of words.....i get really frightened up when i am unable to stop my heart empty out my feelings... i fear what if your heart gets to hear them?
can i ever get over you? can't i somehow let you free, can't i somehow now stop loving you.. you are now married.. you are now someone else's and i really want to see you happy there ...
i have really tried so much.. tried everything to let you free from my heart now that you are someone else's... but your memories keep coming every now and then ... and then i feel like i still love you, i still love you madly even today ...
how many times have i told you that i will remain your friend forever... but why then these dreams, of you, the first thing in the morning? i get restless ... as if fate is trying to scrape my wounds ... i really dont want to come in the way of your happiness ...but when i see such dreams, i feel helpless, my buried feelings for you come up .. i feel this strong pull towards you once again ... i feel like loving you once again... i still love you so much... it is seeming impossible to get over you anyday ....
do you feel anything at those moments when i am missing you so terribly ? they say that words spoken from heart reach the other person's heart, no matter how much distance separates them...
yes, i really really miss you, i miss you terribly, even today...
i love you like crazy, even today ... and it seems like i can never live without you....
but you are now gone... gone forever, you are now someone else's ... why doesn't my heart learn to accept it? why is fate still playing with my emotions, letting those dreams come in me? what do i do now? how to take you out of me? it is definitely killing me, finding you in dreams.... when i really really want to say it to you that i still love you, .. i don't know why would i want to say that to you now... I haven't been able to take you out of me but I am forced to bury those words deep down in heart because you are now someone else's ...

Yet another emotional breakdown.. The problem is me ofcourse .... the cause .... again me ..... a sentimental fool I am.... I am repeating my mistakes again and again, I am not learning from past mistakes and that's has been happening so many times with me. If someone doesn't learn anything from his past mistakes and just keeps on repeating them, he/she is bound to stumble at some time soon. There just can't be any excuse whatsoever .... one may repeat a mistake once or twice or thrice...but repeating the same one again and again is like making a fool of himself/herself. I have made a fool of me so many times all these years, and yet again each time, getting up and continuing with the same line, not learning anything at all, as if nothing had happened. That's a fool of me.... It's not that I don't realise where I am going wrong each time ... I realise the real cause almost each time, but yet forgetting so easily what all had happened just a moment ago.

I have always been a very bad judge of people ... who is of what type, I have so many times faltered! and I am yet to know people or correctly judge people. And the main reason is perhaps I easily start trusting them with just a few sweet words said by them. The second most important reason --- my habit of getting emotionally attached with people, so much so that when hit, it really hurts. No two people are of the same kind ... that's true. But one should always keep a limit of everything...there has to be a limit. Excess of anything is bound to be of bitter taste. Each time I preach myself of these things and each time with a few sweet words, so easily forget everything and get on with it. And that perhaps has been the reason that have been hurt again.

Whatever be it ..... once you know that certain people are just superficially attached, one should then check oneself and keep within himself, held himself back. I had always believed that in every relationship, there should be no half measures .... just keep on pouring everything that you have, all that u have, into it -- ur love, ur affection, ur time, ur understanding, all that u possibly can give. But perhaps that's not the ideal way to go, atleast not always! Atleast that's what I have learnt so far. This should be the case if the other person is really deserving that. But what if the other person has all along just been playing around with u, ur emotions. All this long, these were just a time-pass and u were just a mode for that time-pass!

Now if I am bad at judging people, which I am, I should get back into my cocoon and lock myself up in my own world. Staying away from people, these superficial relations and perhaps everyone ...... away from orkut, gtalk, gmail ..... these three have been the main culprits for me, for all my setbacks with relations.... I should back off and stay away as long as possible....That's not the ideal solution, nor is a permanent one. But then, atleast that will give some respite for the time-being, away from everyone. How many times, such a phase has come in my life ...lost count ... but one thing is certain.... with time, everything becomes normal. Instead of just blindly following one's heart, sometimes one should go with the brain as well.

Keeping myself held back.... with my checked emotions .... closing my eyes to everything happening around and just being me with myself ... that should be the ideal solution for the time-being. I am sure, with time passing by, my emotional dependency will also go away. I just need to back away from everything, keep myself engaged in other works, my own works and not bother or interfere with others. Instead of dragging my feet into their problems, I should let them fight their own battles and me fighting my own. Nothing comes off from this emotional attachments, the less I meddle with others problems, the more happier I will be. I have perhaps got no right to keep myself off from my share of happiness and this emotional dependency has been the biggest cause of all problems and hurts for me. Let me try out, I am sure, with time I will get over it. I will have to ..... It's of no use making a fool of oneself again and again. And if I again don't learn this time as well, even God can't help me out the next time around!

This has become a routine affair now... sleepless nights, wet eyelids... filled with rambled thoughts.. excruciating pain inhaled with every breath that i take.. a turmoil inside my soul..
trying really hard each day to accept the truth.. to accept my fate.. to be happy and to feel content -- for you & for me -- but this heart continues to drive me to insanity.. confusion has induced me to make allies with contemptible thoughts.. but no one can ever understand why i love you still.. i understand its so wrong now.. but i find no other way but to keep loving you...being filled with irresistible emotions..
fate had it that we met.. Two complete strangers, out of nowhere. Yet, even if we were always afar, but i always could feel an inexpressible joy of entirety with you, when you used to be on the other side... bcoz ours has always been a special relationship built affectionately, nurtured with care and luv.. a bond so strong that even if i sometimes try hard to remain silent, or to go away from u, I am finding it so impossible... I have got addicted to you.. i just couldn't know when tides of love just engulped me into its possession & eyes and heart got filled with dreams..
but fate had it that i wasn't deemed worthy enough for you.. so my dreams were to get crushed
it was like a howling wind came & destroyed my sand castle the moment i completed it!!
I never had the maturity to handle tougher situations... and never have i been able to go along by what mind says...rather i have always followed my heart devotedly... and this fragile faltering heart now makes me do things i am confused about.. not knowing where will it take me to..
i realise that God didn't grant me you because i wasn't worthy for you.. i dont know what's kept in store for me in future but i surely know that i can never get another you... and so can never love anyone again, as much as i love you...
it's only in dreams now that i can keep you before my eyes, all day long looking at you, into your eyes and living every single moment like a lifetime of bliss..
it's only in dreams now that i find solace, imagining your smile on any of my silly jokes or of our happy times spent and memories made..
it's only in dreams now that i find utter happiness when i play pranks on you and getting your mock admonishes, i so love when you act like getting angry on me..
it's only in dreams now that i can keep on talking with you all day long, about anything and every little thing without bothering about the time..
it's only in dreams that i can remain drowned in your love all day long, without any opposition..
Why then sleep continues to give my eyes a miss? Can't fate now have some mercy as to allow me to dream?

It's still hurting, it's still killing... however much I try to smother this pain...
each night i think the tears would end up finally and my eyes will empty up... but i end up crying every night..
Your memories, your remembrances aren't dying... the realisation that i can never have you in my life is killing me
I never knew i could love someone so madly, never knew i would still miss you even after going silent for so long...i had thought with days passing by, i will get used to the pain... i will get over you and will get back my normal self... I thought I will be able to move on... i never knew it would pain this much loving you ...
Now i m still unable to stop myself...
i just wanna become numb... like a lifeless being, i don't wanna feel anything...
I never knew that silence can be so painful.. it's a dilemma, it pains me when I don't get to talk with you and even when I talk with you, i feel like getting killed
You will never understand, you will never feel it...
losing the one you love the most and still not being able to move on...
I am standing on a quicksand when i know very well that i am going to sink into it if i stay...
All that I want now is a few minutes of sleep and peace...
Why do you keep coming in my dreams? Please spare me a few minutes of sleep, I beg of you...
Why do I still find you in dreams?
Why is my fate still playing games with me?