Uncontrollable emotions

I am screaming in my head...
Over and over I scream inside my splintering mind in the hope that if I scream loud enough, you will somehow hear it... But you perhaps never do... and why should you? How would you hear my screams?
I was never able to tell you.... so you will never know. All you know is that I say I love you... but you will never really know... about these heartbeats that are still yearning for you...

Like an uncontrollable wildfire, I'm engulfed.. completely immersed in love for you..
Sitting here and talking to myself, rehearsing all the things I want to say to you, the next time you come before me... But I am afraid I will never be able to say them to you.. i know it's too late now... and i will just be left with all the painful stings once again...

I'm caught writhing in the different loves I feel for you. Still lost in your love as if you are my other half, Loving you as my best friend, Loving you as a lover for all the lil things you do and for all the ways you make me feel...i know you think it’s weird... i know it's grossly wrong of me to do so now... I know you will again say "move on now...i m now gone..."
but believe me, i have tried a lot... but i am powerless, helpless.. i can only love you... Now it has become beyond my control...
Can I somehow get salvation? from this uncontrollable force that pulls me in towards you and refuses to let go? I'm bleeding out from all these pores.... this heart aches for you... I'm trapped in these dreams, but you are still always out of reach... it hits me hard and each tear that denies being shed, leaves the lingering feelings of death.

I never could tell you, because I was afraid I might lose you, that fear of losing you forever stopped me from disclosing my feelings, what if you had said "no"...,
and now i will never know....if you could have loved me, if i had professed my feelings for you on time! I only sit and wonder.. What if? ... What if i was the one you had chosen?... I could have you with me to share all my breath, my every breath..i could have talked with you at any time I wanted to, i could see your smile anytime i wanted to, i could hear your heartbeat at anytime i wanted to... i lost you.. i lost you forever... it's killing me, these thoughts...

I know you don't have the same feelings for me, as i have for yu.... i know now it's late... i wont have your love ever...
and it hurts, it's definitely killing me to know that you are not mine... you will never be...
but i still want to be near you.. i still want to hurt myself
and feel nothing more but this pain of an unrequitted love...
I can't breathe but I can't leave too...  It's so painful, but is so relieving as well... so i still love you...
I don't know if it's right or wrong... but I can't stop myself from loving you...

a forbidden love that goes beyond physical attraction... down to deeper knowledge of one another.... a sense of inexpressible profound happiness, peace to the heart having the person on the other side of the call or sms or just looking at his photo... but you still can't have that person, no matter how much in love you are with him... maybe someday........at least no more "what if i had.........."
sometimes that means you are sharing pieces of yourself, the ones that you have kept hidden from others... sometimes it means a few moments where deep in your heart and soul you know that's where you belong.
when you get to look into his eyes you know  you are seeing his entire self, and you know that he is seeing yours. these things can be more intimate than any kiss... or anything else. that person almost seems to be your "soulmate". He is your friend, your campanion first. and this deep intimacy builds. it builds so much that just looking into one another's eyes, wrapping your arms around each other and standing there is the most beautiful moment in the world. You fall in love with that person. but sometimes, you can't totally have him... because he is now someone else's...
Even though i try to remain silent, not giving you any message, but my heart craves for your smses, at least one from you... even when i know that is perhaps wrong on my part... and when you ask me "how are you? why aren't you replying?" I smile and I cry bitterly, both at the same time ... thinking about what i missed having in life!..You
Your care and your affection still binds me and i am unable to move away from you...
i am confused as to what to do ... neither am i being able to go away from you completely nor am i being able to stop this heart from craving for your affection...it's amazing how every ounce of you can miss someone so much like you need him to feel like breathing.. but i am just afraid that this madness of mine might put you in trouble and i will never want that ever to happen...
i want you to be happy always, in peace with your new life... i want to remain your friend all through life, but my feelings come in the way...

Being Human

*** The post is about how I came across a little incident that gives me hope that not all goodness has gone away, there are still some kind-hearted souls around. I would like to thank Housing.com for having given me the opportunity to write about it. More can be found about them here. *** 

My day had got off to the worst possible start. I had worked late into the night and so woke up late too. But I had got a severe headache as well. Even though I wanted to take a leave from my office and stay back at home, I couldn't do that as I had an important meeting scheduled for the day. I wasn't feeling too well. To add to my woes, my maid Shanti didn't turn up that day. I was feeling hungry but when I looked into the refrigerator, I found no cakes or bread or any other ready-made food item. I didn't have that much time to cook something for breakfast, not even enough time to prepare a cup of tea. So I had to rush for my office without having my breakfast. But my woes didn't end at that. Just as I was walking down the stairs, I slipped and fell down the stairs, landing hard on my knees. Mrs. Mehra's children (my neighbours) had spilled some oil on the stairs while playing. I hurt my knee quite badly and was finding it difficult to get up up for sometime but holding the bars of the stairs, I could finally stand up on my feet. I was lucky enough to get away with only a few scratches on the hand and a somewhat sore knee, I could have easily got a serious head injury. Then again as I literally ran to the parking lot to take out my activa scooter, but my luck ran poor there too. I found that its back tyre was punctured. I was already late for office, I didn't have the time to take it to a garage for repairs. I thought of taking a taxi instead to go to my office.

As my luck would have it, first I couldn't find an auto or a taxi anywhere along the road for the first few minutes and then when I finally saw one auto approaching me and made it to stop, I found someone else quickly arriving to claim his ride in that auto. The driver too agreed to take him to his destination but wasn't ready to go my way. It soon left and I couldn't find another auto or a taxi anytime soon. I got more flustered. It seemed like my luck was hell bent on showering misery over me that day. The sun too was beating down mercilessly, the heat was unbearable, it was not only hot but humid too.

Finally I saw a taxi coming my way. As soon as it stopped, I quickly got into the car and asked the driver to drive me to my office's location, without giving him a chance to say a "no". Fortunately he agreed to take me there. However the interior of the car was anything but clean, the seats were filthy, ripped and worn. There was also a foul smell coming from the bottom. But I could hardly complain now, I was already running late for my office. So I sat quietly and only prayed anxiously for the ride to reach its destination as quick as it could. My problems though were far from being over. If all my woes since morning weren't enough, our taxi now got stuck in a traffic jam at the intersection! My office was still some distance away, so I couldn't have walked all the way from there. I had no other option but to wait for the traffic to clear. To put up with the foul smell coming from the taxi's floor, I started looking out of the window.

Just then I noticed a thing that not only melted my heart but also made me to forget all about the bad things that I had been experiencing since morning. Suddenly my face lit up with hope and optimism. I saw a young man stop his bike at the road junction and go down to the other side of the road, because he saw a blind man struggling to cross the busy street. None of the vehicles had bothered until then to even slow down their vehicles to let the blind man cross the road nor had any pedestrian who were standing alongside the blind man come forward to help him. But this young man held the blind man's hands and helped him get across the road safely. I saw the blind man patting the boy's shoulder and thanking him for his help, before he walked away slowly.

By then the traffic light had turned green at my end too and my taxi had started to move again. But the incident touched my heart deeply and left an indelible mark. It proved that there are still some kind-hearted souls around. The world isn't entirely devoid of humanity.

God truly works in mysterious ways! He provides you with moments to turn around a bad day and alter your mood. Just when I thought that the world has got filled up with hatred and rage and people have become too selfish to bother about anyone else, He makes me come across a little incident that gives me hope that not all goodness has gone away.

Humanity still exists

*** The post is about how I got over the pain of a rejection and started afresh. I would like to thank Housing.com for having given me the opportunity to write about it. More can be found about them here ***

Most of us would have faced rejection in life at some point in time. It's not easy coping with the pain. Especially if someone gets rejected in love. There is nothing quite like the heartache of an unrequited love. When someone gives her heart and soul to a person whom she loves and then gets rejected, gets to know that her feelings aren't reciprocated, it completely breaks her down. She feels shattered. It's very hard to recover from that pain. You don't get over it just like that, it's not easy to wipe off those memories, it takes some time but that too doesn't come easy or quickly. Every minute seems like a year, the pain is intense, the memories would be stinging your heart, so it feels unbearable.

I was only 19 when I fell deeply in love with one of my classmates. We had become good friends since the start of our college, right from the day of our orientation program. We were in the same batch and the same course. He was a very quiet and a simple-natured person, I would often find him at the library and he came across as a studious boy, so I had kind of started to like him. But I had no idea that he too had nurtured same feelings for me too. So I was completely bowled over when one day he came to me and proposed. I had never fallen in love before, I was very young too, so it was a strange feeling but I loved it. Before I knew, I was completely and madly in love with him. I had already started to dream about my future with him. Our relationship continued even after we completed our graduation and started working, though we weren't able to meet as often as we used to do earlier. Both of us were quite serious about our careers too. Still we would meet whenever we could and spent time together. I was quite clear about getting married to him and even discussed about it with my parents too. He too told me that he had spoken to his parents. Our parents met with each other and a date was fixed for the marriage. But before that, we both got engaged to each other. So we were all set to culminate our relationship in marriage. I had already dreamt too far ahead, about experiencing the various challenges of life with him.

But my world came crashing down when suddenly one day he called me to inform that he was calling off the marriage, that he no more felt the same way for me as he previously used to do, that he had fallen in love with a girl in his office. That came as such a sharp blow that I couldn't even react. I was heart-broken. After being in love for six years, he was suddenly telling me that he didn't love me anymore and had moved on to another girl while I was still stuck with him because I loved him madly. I felt so cheated, I had never imagined that he would break my heart this way. I felt very dejected and depressed.

Eventually he got married to that girl a few months later while I had gone into a depression. I had left my job, I had stopped picking up calls from my friends, I just couldn't think about anything else. I had not only locked myself up in my room but had also in a way cut myself off from the outer world. I had lost my sleep completely and had even started taking sleeping pills but they too didn't come of much use after a period. My parents took me to various doctors who could only give me anti-depressant tablets but my condition remained still the same. I was just not able to pick myself up and start afresh. I was finding it very difficult to fill the emptiness in my heart, it was too much for me.

Then one day I suddenly woke up from my pills-induced sleep and found both maa and baba sitting beside me. They were both crying. That was when I realised how I had been giving them pain, that for one relationship, I had been neglecting them. I had built up walls around me. I wasn't seeing how much my family loved me and how bad they were feeling themselves on seeing in that miserable condition. I realised that life can't stop just because of one rejection. It should go on. While my ex-boyfriend had moved on with his life, I was still stuck with the failed relationship, thinking about it all the time. It struck me really hard.

It wasn't so simple to shake off the disappointment, the pain or the anger just like that but I had to start from somewhere and that's what I did. Instead of taking those anti-depressant tablets, I started to keep myself busy as as not to let negative thoughts come to my mind again. I started helping my father in his music shop. I even joined as a volunteer at an old-age home. Thus I remained busy most of the time. I let time to heal up the pain, but more than that, I had got back my desire to start life afresh. No pain is big enough to keep you down if you remain positive and are ready to start over again. It took me some time but finally I got over my heartache. Now when I look back at the time, I feel happy that it happened, because it not only made me a mature person but also it gave me a chance to cope with the pain of rejection. Now I feel fully prepared and ready to deal with any rejection that comes my way in the future.

Appreciate the Love of your Loved Ones

*** The post is dedicated to my father's memory. I would also like to thank Housing.com for having given me the opportunity to write about togetherness. More can be found about them here ***

So often we tend to neglect or fail to give enough time to our loved ones because we are busy running after materialistic things. Things are different when we are kids, when we are very young, our world revolves around our parents, our nearest family and our friends. But that tends to slowly change as we start growing up. Our priorities change and even without us knowing, we tend to slowly move away from our family and friends. In the bargain however, we loose out on treasuring the love and affection that only our loved ones can give us and not our material wealth! Because of this hunger of ours to acquire wealth, success in career, position and fame in the society, we slowly end up becoming like robots with no emotions. We remain stressed out and often vent out our frustrations on our loved ones.

A similar thing happened with me too a few years back. After my mother's death, I asked my father to come over to my place and start living with me. I couldn't have left him all alone back there. Moreover he was getting older. But he had always been a very simple person and preferred an uncomplicated and quiet life. He wasn't used to the fast, and noisy city life. So he wasn't too fond of Delhi but then he loved me too much to ever complain about it. On the other hand, I had somehow become so absorbed with my work and my own life that I couldn't even realise when I had moved so farther away from him even though we lived under the same roof. I used to work late in the office and so by the time, I came back home, he would have gone to sleep. In the mornings, I used to be in such a hurry  to leave for my office that we hardly ever got to talk with each other, not even for a few minutes on the breakfast table. My father was watching silently but never complained to me. He would keep sitting on the arm chair looking at my mother's portrait on the wall, as if he was silently conversing with her. I had neevr noticed this before.

Then on the fateful morning, which happened to be a holiday, I had decided to sleep late into the afternoon, after all the hard work in the office the previous night. Unfortunately Shilpi, my maid, hadn't come that morning. Since I was still sleeping, so Baba decided to make his tea himself. He made tea for me too and also made suji halwa (he still remembered how much I love suji halwa) and a few chapattis. Let me tell you that my father is a tremendous cook and he often used to help my mother in the kitchen. But ever since her death, he had lessened his visits to the kitchen. I remember even when I used to be a small kid, how he used to sometimes treat me with his bread omelette and milk shake on Sundays. That day too, he had prepared the breakfast for me with all his love and came into my room to wake me up. But I was so stressed out because of my work-related problems from the previous night, that I literally shouted at him for waking me up early. "Who told you to go to the kitchen and prepare all these? Why can't you sit quietly in your room and let others do their job? This is Shilpi's work and she will do this, not you", I shouted at him.

He felt pained but didn't say anything to me, instead he just left the breakfast on the bed table and quietly left the room. A few minutes later, I realised what a grave mistake I had committed. He was the same person who had always patiently heard me and used to answer each and every silly question that I put to him when I was young. He had always treated me like a princess whereas I had hurt him immensely even though he was only being affectionate towards me. I felt guilty about my conduct. Immediately I ran to his room and hugged him tightly and apologised for my behaviour. Well, I was always his darling daughter and so he forgave me instantly. I freshened up and then we had the breakfast that he had prepared for me. The suji halwa tasted so good, and why wouldn't it have? He had put in all his love into it! We had our tea together and we talked about my childhood days and reminisced of our old times, we remembered my mother too.

Since it was a holiday and i didn't have to go to the office, so I decided to cook lunch for us. I made his favourite meal that day - rajma chawal, raita and kheer. I wanted to make him feel special. After having lunch together, we also sat down to watch one of our favourite movies - Jaane Bhi Do Yaron - that was being shown on a particular TV channel. I would have watched this movie probably a hundred times but watching it with Baba was something different. Because it was him who had shown me this movie for the first time when I was a kid. We also went out for a walk in the park in the evening and while coming back, we decided to have dinner at a restaurant. He used to love Mughlai food and so we went to old Delhi and had a nice dinner. This was some three years ago. My father passed away last year. Now when I look back to the days that i spent with him, I wish I had given more time than I did. But once a person is gone forever, however much we may want to, we don't get a chance to correct our mistakes. Though I didn't get to spend as much time with him as that particular day but after that fateful day, I made sure that I gave him enough of my time when I was at home and made him smile. That days shall remain as one of my most memorable days ever.

We often tend to forget that it's only for our loved ones that we are working so hard. It is of no use if we aren't able to give them enough time. It's not our wealth and luxuries that would make them happy, rather it's our love and time that they wish to have more. One doesn't need grand gestures to make someone feel special. Make your loves ones your first priority and give them time. value your relationships, devote time to improving them, rather than running after worldly possessions.

Sometimes people like to say things they don't really mean

Jesus had once said "What we believe is what we say and what we say is what we believe. They work hand-in-hand, together". But does this really hold true always? Is it really true in today's time? Do people really mean what they say? Do they speak out the truth all the time? I agree and fully understand that sometimes it's the need of the hour, sometimes we do that because we don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

Say for example, a small kid has drawn a cat and has coloured it with all possible and available pastels! Yet I would be telling him "this is so beautiful". Why? The reason is simple. Likewise there are many other such cases, sometimes we say things which we don't really mean and it's because we don't want to hurt the other person!

But then there are times when we would do better if we speak the truth and be true to the person before us! He/she will be hurt even more when he/she comes to know that all those butter-coated words that we had been telling him/her are nothing but lies! That would hurt him/her even more! Some people are really very sensitive and emotional, I am one of them. I know perhaps I don't have that big heart to hold myself upright when I have been dealt a blow emotionally! But still, I would expect people to be true and honest.

People shouldn't make someone believe that they want to be with them and make this world of illusion just to please them, when they really have other ideas! If someone is not interested in someone else anymore, why can't they just let them go and let them be happy? No, it's not just about love matters alone. Say for instance - I say someone that whenever he feels like talking to me, he can ring me up anytime. And he rings, he rings because I had taken the initiative but then I say that I am busy, or something else, plainly say I try to avoid him. Won't that hurt him? He called me up in the first place because I had told him so! We should be sincere in what we are saying. The person before us mightn't like our true words, but then at least he won't be in a false illusion!

In some other cases, it's selfishness that drives people to do so! Some people will hold on to someone they don't want, to keep themselves from being alone. Then they'll cheat on that person when they find someone else. Unfortunately, the victim involved is caught completely off guard when he/she is finally dumped. It's a cruel game, to say the least.

Some people are trained to be polite from birth. Politeness translates into "little white lies" in order to let other people down gently. I understand they are too good to hurt someone. But generally speaking "why say things which you don't mean, at the first place?"

If a person wants to hang out with you because he or she is "bored", then it means your job will be to entertain him or her and you won't get anything out of it yourself except the "wonderful" feeling of having kept someone from being bored. But we shouldn't keep high hopes. Because more often than not, you may be hurt, when the truth comes out!

So be honest and true while saying things, however bitter it might seem. Because keeping someone in false illusions would hurt him or her even more when the truth is disclosed!