Some voids are really difficult to fill up

I'm trying really hard, I have been consciously pushing myself to keep myself buried with work.... I have been trying hard to keep myself engaged, in something or the other, so that I don't think about you. But however much i try, nothing but you come to my mind. I just am not able to forget you. I am still failing to clean up my slate of your memories.
Will I ever be able to do that?
Even if my natural tendency is be happy, to laugh, to be joking around but now I am no more able to behave normal like before .... I am trying hard, facebooking, tv, movies, friends .... sometimes I am even letting out a smile or a luagh, however fake that might be... but I amn't feeling that charm as before, that happiness from within isn't coming.. everything is superficial, my smiles have become forced ones.

I just wish something hits me hard and I forget everything .....
this guilt feeling is eating me up ..... and this unrelenting heart is not listening .....
My whole life has now changed ..... it has gone topsy-turby , I have tried so hard to gather myself, but I am failing each time .... I don't know why my feelings changed, why I fell in love, I am still to understand what has happened but am unable to leave, even after trying so hard ... I had never known that love would be this painful, .... kyun hua... kab se hua .... kuch bhi jaan nahin paaya..... mann ka ghulam bangaya, kab kaise kar betha .... gave away the whole of me to you ....

The one because of whom you are in intense pain, the one because of whom the heart is crying... and yet ... fhirbi yeh dil ussi ke paas jaane ko baar baar tadap raha hei.... I am getting pulled to that same person, again and again ..... probably because i had never experienced so much love from anyone else. Probably because I also got so many innumerable moments of care, affection, concern for me from you.... is this what is called love? Baar baar woh sab moments yaad aaja te hein .... har woh lamha, har woh din .... chotti se chotti baat .... no body had loved me this much .... Kaise jaaun durr tumse?

I don't think I will ever be able to love anyone else as much as I love you. Because I have no more of love left in me.... I have given all my love to you. There is nothing left, no more space left in my heart ..... I gave it all, gave it the whole of myself, have nothing left anymore of me .... However much I try to go away from you, I am getting pulled back to you every time.

Why did I turn this way? Why have I been made so emotional? Whoever gives me affection and love, why do I get entangled with him or her? Why can't I be practical that not everything that I love can be mine? Why am I not able to understand that you were never made for me?
Why am I refusing to accept that you will never love me the way I love you?

Why amn't I accepting the fact that I am the closed chapter?
"Life is like a book ... containing a hundred pages or so ....
sometimes someday a particular page seems very interesting, we love reading that page ....

But ... but after a while, we turn onto the next page and move on......
after a while other pages seem interesting too ....
and that previous particular page , even if we loved it, still like it, gets lost in the innumerable pages ....
we don't remember the page number of that page, anymore ..... "

Probably I have got some deficiencies. Why amn't I looking at my deficiencies?
yeh baat, mann kyun nahin samajh jaata? kyun nahin samajh raaha?
It's a practical thing perhaps ... we can't remain stuck up in that particular page alone, always! .....
The whole book needs to be explored!
That's a practical thing ....
Why am I doing everything from heart? Why am i still folling my heart's diktats? Why can't I use my brain instead?

However much I may try, but probably I won't be able to change myself ever ....
and perhaps, neither will I be able to make this heart understand that I can never have you in my life
Love hurts .... I had no right to fall in love ....

not knowing what to do and where to go....
i honestly want to free you out of my heart, now that you are someone else's .... but had never experienced such a strong pull, such bonding that keeps pulling me back to you, each time that i am trying to keep myself away...
i had never loved this much... had never felt love .... and now i have nothing absolutely nothing left inside me, am totally exhausted now.... All I have now is a complete emptiness within ... I am unable to stop loving you even if I want to...
even when i realise that perhaps you never loved me, you never saw me that way, you cared for me, you have been always so very affectionate towards me but perhaps never had such feelings for me, because i never told you about my feelings... and yet I amn't being able to take out these one-sided feelings of mine... i am failing to give you up .... I am failing to take you out of me ... i still am holding on to you, clinging onto you in my heart... i feel helpless when i try not loving you... i seem to know now no other way but to just keep loving you.

when everyone is saying to stop thinking about you, to stop loving you, to stop dreaming about you... it's hurting like a razor stuck in the neck.... because each minute, all the time, all day long, the only thing i feel like doing is to keep loving you... I have almost forgotten everything else....nothing comes to mind but you...
I have never felt this miserable... this is going nowhere... Now this pain is increasingly getting unbearable, beyond all limits. i have been still failing to take you out of me.. You are now someone else's, and i understand that, i respect that ... i earnestly want to let you free now, to let you lead your life in happiness, to let you enjoy your new life .. but however much i try, I am unable to forget that i still love you.... this heart takes me to you all the time, it knows nothing but to keep loving you...
even when i know, this is now real life, this is no movie..... and yet
whatever i do, i amn't been able to see anything, anyone other than you, you seem to be all around me, everywhere .... i am feeling miserable... totally helpless... am having no control on myself ... this can't be love... this is turning into obsession now... one can't hold one's life, one's happiness tightly if she truly loves him ... i truly love you and i want you to be happiest most at all times ....
but I am unable to find out how to give you up....

i want to sleep again, i want some peace for my eyes now ... I have lost all, lost everything with you ... i want to sleep again ... i want to be like before ....
and yet I don't know how not to love you still .... because even when i try not to love you now, i have forgotten everything else ...whatever i do, i just seem to be loving you ... Your image keeps floating right infront of me, in my eyes, all the time ... how to erase those images from my mind and from my heart....

Why wasn't I made for you? I am not able to bear this pain
I am ready to get used to this pain, i will make it a part of my life but I can't leave you, I can't go away from you

bottled up emotions

I am feeling really choked up... this is getting increasingly difficult each day, bottling up emotions.... faking laughters, losing myself in the crowd...
I have been missing you so much all these months.... I don't know how I could keep myself away from you, how I could hold myself back, it has been very difficult reigning myself back from you since so long, but I am falling weak with each passing day... I may give up some day soon.

bahot miss kar rahi hoon tumhe, bahot yaad arahi hai...
However much i may try, i will never be able to take you out of me, my mind or from my heart!
Every little word that you had said to me, every memory of yours keeps rewinding in my head, keeps looping .... I keep thinking what you had said once, our times spent together
those moments when you had cared for me, loved me ... when you were concerned for me.... even for the smallest of things.
You truly became my angel!
So many days have passed now, and I have been devoid of your affection since so long,
I long to talk to you, I long for your call to come, I long to get an email from you every single day, like I used to get those days.... I know I won't get one now, and yet this heart aches in search of one, at least a few words from you.... no one had loved me, cared for me this much.
People say that with time, almost every relation starts fading.
So many months have passed by now, I haven't talked to you since so long, i haven't heard from you.
yet I feel like my love for you is strengthening more and more with each passing day... probably because I can't love anyone else but you.
When I find you online after days together, it kills me when I am not been able to talk to you.
I had never known that love could be this painful.
Where did I go wrong? I am still not able to see my mistake
I want to go to sleep at night, wake up every day, and breathe knowing, assured that you are truly mine...
I am still confused, about the sudden change in your feelings .... why? I am baffled. But I am n't able to take you out of my mind .... I have n't been able to tame this uncontrollable heart.... I just can't think of anything other than you, at any point of time now a days.
it's definitely hurting not being able to be with you, not being able to empty out my feelings before you....
With each passing day, this strange fear grips me altogether, I fear of losing you forever, to someone else.... i can't think of  that... I can't imagine losing you... it pains me really hard thinking about ever losing you, even when I am n't sure about your feelings ...
I still don't know how and why I fell in love with you in the first place.
Every time I try letting you free and going away from you forever, thias heart of mine just doesn't let me go and I am getting pulled back each time.
I wish I could keep loving you all my life and could have you before my eyes all my life, all the time .... because now more than a part of me resides in you.....

What If

What if I had known that it would be hard, when I fell in love with you?
What if I had known what was coming when I lost my heart to you?
What if I could say it to you that I love you?
What if you could see my love in my eyes?
What if you could hear my heart's voice?
What if you could understand the pain that I have been in?
What if you could reciprocate my feelings?
What if you too could give your heart to me?
What if things had been different and so were the situations?

What if you were made for me?
What if we could walk together?
What if we could just converse with each other in silence?
What if we could just keep looking into each other's eyes and read each other's thoughts?
What if we could just hear one another's heart beat?
What if our days could start together and could end together as well?
What if we could become one soul that our thirst could be quenched when either of us had drank
and hunger satiated when either of us had eaten?

I wish I could tell you how much I love you!
I wish you could have loved me as well!
I wish you were made for me and I was made for you!
What if it were...

Will I ever be able to move on ?

Why is it that i am still not able to get over you? Why am I still longing for you? Even though so many days have passed! Why do you still keep coming into my thoughts every now and then.. in my dreams as well?
I have tried so much, so very hard not to let you come into my thoughts... to give myself another chance.
But I continue to fail every time, my mind tells me to flush out all of your memories but my heart refuses to give up. You still reign on my heart... I am failing to move on, I am failing to move away from you.... there is something still left between us I think.... something of a chord that keeps pulling me back to you!

This is getting harder for me with each passing day. I thought time would fade away your thoughts and memories. But, no.. Why isn't this being easy? Why can't I just forget everything and start afresh? Why am not i been able to forget that we ever came across each other? Why is this chord pulling my heart back towards you everytime that I decide to look in a new direction?

There are times when I get restless... thinking about all those old times when I used to crave spending time with you...just to be with you.....
Physically we are as distant apart now as we were at that time, during those good times..... it's still the same distance today... I had thought that with passage of time, the distance between us would get even more but that hasn't happened. I find myself still standing at the same place as I was during that phase. Is there no way by which I can stop thinking about you? Can't I completely take you out of my mind and heart?

I have been telling myself every time that as time flies by, I too will get used to the feeling, the feeling of not getting to talk with you every day, I will get used to not having you with me to share my every little thing that happens in my life, that I will get used to remaining silent and away from you .... getting accustomed to the pain! But sometimes this pretension is getting too much for me.
This hurt, this pain refuses to go away.... or perhaps it will never go away.
Your thoughts will probably continue to come back. I will probably never be able to forget you.. I will perhaps never be able to get over you.