The key to my Happiness is Lesser emotional dependance

The last few days, I have kept myself busy in studying other people, trying to notice their little mannerisms and habits, trying to understand their thoughts and nature. But today let me try studying myself! Let me try analyzing my thoughts.... Let me know how much I know myself, how much I understand myself?
What am I looking for? What have I been searching for all these days? Whatever might be my answer, but it will perhaps eventually sum up to "happiness".

What then is the key to remaining happy?
Should I really depend on someone else to keep me happy? Or should I start searching happiness within me? Which one of the two is more sustainable? I think I had been more dependent on others to keep myself happy all this while, rather than being happy with myself. How I wish I had known earlier how to keep myself happy without depending on anyone else. That way, I would have lesser expectations, lesser complaints, lesser heartbreaks I think.

I have been fooling myself saying that I will be pouring all my love into any relationship that I make, without expecting anything in return. But actually am'nt I looking for love in return? Amn't I expecting that whoever I talk to, whoever I converse with would reciprocate my feelings as well?
But is that really possible? Is it possible to always get what we want? Afterall, everyone has his or her own life.... why would one live his or her life along my lines? That would be selfishness on my part, isn't it?

If I am able to understand all these, why then am I still in pain? Dard fhir kis baat ka hai? Why am I still searching my happiness in others? Didn't I tell my heart not to look for it anywhere else but inside me? Why am not I then been able to find happiness? I tried keeping myself away from everyone, didn't I? But how far have I been successful in doing that? Why am I still trying to be among people, when perhaps I need to keep myself alone for some time, when perhaps I need to distance myself from people?

For a change, let me try remaining lost within myself for a few days. Will I be able to do that? I have lost count of how many times I have said this. I am still failing...

One Mouth, Two Ears

Today while I was just Googling through on the internet...somehow my eyes fell on an article "How to End a Conversation With a Talkative Person"

I got curious and started reading .....

Here are a few examples given there ---
"Oh, I'm really sorry, but I have to go, it's dinner time. I'll call you tomorrow, OK? Bye!"

"Sorry got to go, there's someone at the door, bye" :D

For a moment, I thought that was meant for me to realise....I have become so much a talkative person now, I don't exactly remember if I always have been this way but I seriously don't realize how much I talk, when I start once. How and where from did I pick this habit? I don't know but I don't think  I  was ever this chatterbox before, during my early childhood.

I know I could have a go at a "talking marathon" and probably win it too :D But am not I too shy and an introverted person? If I'm in a big group, I am usually the one talking the most/loudest, but if I am just with one person, I'm much less talkative for some reason, unless it is someone I am relatively close to.

And the fault perhaps lies in the fact that I don't think about the person listening to me, about him or her...I just go on talking and talking until I am finished. But what about him or her?  How would he or she be feeling?
What do you do when a talkative person takes over the conversation? Say a person like me.
(More often than not, I just take over everything and everyone and can go on and on...... even I realise this and feel embarrassed for my habit....but am unable to stop myself once I get started, have tried to restrain myself while talking but have failed each time... I simply fail to keep my mouth shut).

People around me all the time try to be patient and gracious, but there have been a couple of times when graciousness and patience and courtesy have simply been strained past the breaking point, had to be..... I do feel hurt when someone bluntly says something, but I must also realise that I had broken apart their patience...there has to be a limit to everything....

When we interact with others, we have two choices - to listen to what others have to say or to speak and have them listen to us. Neither way is wrong or right. As is often the case in life, successful living requires balance. There needs to be a balance in our communication with others as well! It's not that I don't listen to them...I do listen as well, but when I talk, i talk so much that the other person virtually gets fed up to say anything.....

Yes, I am over talkative and I should get this habit fixed.....
Nonstop, incessant talking becomes tedious for others, though I mayn't be realising it. Some of my best times have been just to be in the presence of another with no agenda, no time limit and no expectations. But not always, not for everyone ....

That happy babbling about nothing important - maybe that's all there is to me, but not always for everyone.

I must remember that there is a reason God gave me one mouth and two ears!! Sometimes I need to restrain myself..... may be just a little bit....
But what on earth am I supposed to do if I am naturally an overly talkative person? That is the real me! Still then, I need to learn maintaining a balance ... else a time will come, when everyone will start avoiding me in a group!

Moving on

When things happen, they happen for a reason.
Live life and don't look back, no matter who you leave behind...
I now got to accept it somehow.
For one can never move back ... and when one moves forward, she should move with neither hurt or Love, but instead with purpose...
because hurt will only consume one, and Love will only blind one ... but purpose will drive her forward...

Once someone gets into one's heart, she can never forget him or get over the memories, no matter how much pain she would have to bear...
It's really difficult when one loves someone for unexplainable reasons....
this feeling from underneath my skin wants me go back to you, as if I am blinded in love...
No matter how long i go without talking, you always find a way back into my heart each day... no matter how hard i try to forget you, i fail.... seems like i can`t ...
But no more of "what ifs" now... it is finally time for me to move on.... I should.....
I can't do this to myself anymore, i owe it to myself.
i will have to push aside all forlorn thoughts and leave behind all bittersweet memories
I will never forget you, or the times we shared but I can't go on like this... I can't make it difficult for you and me...

Nothing will turn back time... it’s best not to keep holding onto you... because you were never mine... you never were in love with me, i fell in love with you ..... and it surely hurts even now because i loved u with the whole of me... more than i could have ever loved anyone, it is so overwhelming even now but it was my one sided love and that's the truth...
You chose the right path...  now it's my turn....
The hours of missing you still drive me insane... I don’t know how to do that but I have to move on now.
I wish I knew how to turn over the pages of heart...
I just wish falling out of love was easier than falling in love...

Dreams, once more...

In my dreams, I am a different me
...in a different world
and I feel free ... my smiles are real
and I am able to feel once again,
something other than this pain...
I feel safe... I feel sane

Sweet dreams take me to somewhere real, somewhere new
But then quickly I fall, I drop... it turns into a nightmare
shadows reappear...i fall into darkness once more
The never-ending madness inside me over-powers me...
I try to run... but can't turn back..
it's clutches are so strong
When I finally feel strong and I am on my feet,
When I finally feel complete,
I lose it all....,
Into darkness, I sink once more

The best thing about dreams is that fleeting moment,
when you are between being asleep and being awake,
when you don't know the difference between reality and fantasy,
when for just that one moment you feel with your entire soul
that the dream is a reality, and it really happened...

Lessons learnt from A Tea Cup

I read this beautiful story about a tea cup and there couldn't be perhaps any better inspiring lesson to be learnt than this story, when the chips are down, when we feel that God has been partial with us, that He has specially chosen us for all our miseries, that He isn't doing anything to lessen our miseries!

Once a couple had gone shopping to celebrate their wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, especially tea-cups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked "May we see that one? We've never seen a cup quite so beautiful."

As the sales-lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea-cup spoke, "You don't understand." it said, "I have not always been a tea-cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me, pounded me, and patted me over and over until I yelled out, 'Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone!', but he only smiled, and gently said; 'Not yet!'

"Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel, and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. 'Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!', I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, 'Not yet.' He spun me, poked and prodded me, and bent me out of shape to suit himself, and then......

"Then he put me into the oven. I had never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. 'Help! Get me out of here!' I could see him through the opening, and I could read his lips as he shook his
head from side to side, 'Not yet'.

"When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! 'Ah, this is much better,' I thought.

"But, after I had cooled, he picked me up and brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were terrible. I thought I would gag. 'Oh, please stop it. Stop it!' I cried. He only shook his head and said. 'Not yet!'.

"Then suddenly he put me back into the oven. Only, this oven was not like the first one. It was twice as hot, and I just knew that I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced that I
would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened, and he took me out and placed me once again on the shelf. There I cooled and waited ------- and waited, wondering, 'What's he going to do
to me next?'

"An hour later he handed me a mirror and said 'Look at yourself.' And I did. I said, 'That's not me; that couldn't be me. It's beautiful. I'm beautiful!'

"Quietly he spoke: 'I know that it hurt you to be rolled and pounded and patted, but if I'd left you alone, you would have dried up.

"I know that it made you dizzy to be spun around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled.

"I know that it hurt and was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked.

"I know that the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life.'

"If I hadn't put you back in the second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long, because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you.'"

The moral of this story is:

God knows what He's doing [for each of us]. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us, and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing, and perfect will.

So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this....Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter.

you continue to come in my dreams .. today as well you came ... your thoughts engulf me completely ... and i feel so vulnerable...burning ever so precariously my heart at this moment...but why do you keep coming back in my dreams, when i have been trying so hard to let you free from inside me? can't you see how much it's killing me?
do you feel a certain something in your heart, when i am missing you so terribly? doesn't your heart flutter when i place my hand on my chest, on my heart, closing my eyes and speaking out my heart? do you hear my heart's voice?
i am at a lack of words.....i get really frightened up when i am unable to stop my heart empty out my feelings... i fear what if your heart gets to hear them?
can i ever get over you? can't i somehow let you free, can't i somehow now stop loving you.. you are now married.. you are now someone else's and i really want to see you happy there ...
i have really tried so much.. tried everything to let you free from my heart now that you are someone else's... but your memories keep coming every now and then ... and then i feel like i still love you, i still love you madly even today ...
how many times have i told you that i will remain your friend forever... but why then these dreams, of you, the first thing in the morning? i get restless ... as if fate is trying to scrape my wounds ... i really dont want to come in the way of your happiness ...but when i see such dreams, i feel helpless, my buried feelings for you come up .. i feel this strong pull towards you once again ... i feel like loving you once again... i still love you so much... it is seeming impossible to get over you anyday ....
do you feel anything at those moments when i am missing you so terribly ? they say that words spoken from heart reach the other person's heart, no matter how much distance separates them...
yes, i really really miss you, i miss you terribly, even today...
i love you like crazy, even today ... and it seems like i can never live without you....
but you are now gone... gone forever, you are now someone else's ... why doesn't my heart learn to accept it? why is fate still playing with my emotions, letting those dreams come in me? what do i do now? how to take you out of me? it is definitely killing me, finding you in dreams.... when i really really want to say it to you that i still love you, .. i don't know why would i want to say that to you now... I haven't been able to take you out of me but I am forced to bury those words deep down in heart because you are now someone else's ...

Yet another emotional breakdown.. The problem is me ofcourse .... the cause .... again me ..... a sentimental fool I am.... I am repeating my mistakes again and again, I am not learning from past mistakes and that's has been happening so many times with me. If someone doesn't learn anything from his past mistakes and just keeps on repeating them, he/she is bound to stumble at some time soon. There just can't be any excuse whatsoever .... one may repeat a mistake once or twice or thrice...but repeating the same one again and again is like making a fool of himself/herself. I have made a fool of me so many times all these years, and yet again each time, getting up and continuing with the same line, not learning anything at all, as if nothing had happened. That's a fool of me.... It's not that I don't realise where I am going wrong each time ... I realise the real cause almost each time, but yet forgetting so easily what all had happened just a moment ago.

I have always been a very bad judge of people ... who is of what type, I have so many times faltered! and I am yet to know people or correctly judge people. And the main reason is perhaps I easily start trusting them with just a few sweet words said by them. The second most important reason --- my habit of getting emotionally attached with people, so much so that when hit, it really hurts. No two people are of the same kind ... that's true. But one should always keep a limit of everything...there has to be a limit. Excess of anything is bound to be of bitter taste. Each time I preach myself of these things and each time with a few sweet words, so easily forget everything and get on with it. And that perhaps has been the reason that have been hurt again.

Whatever be it ..... once you know that certain people are just superficially attached, one should then check oneself and keep within himself, held himself back. I had always believed that in every relationship, there should be no half measures .... just keep on pouring everything that you have, all that u have, into it -- ur love, ur affection, ur time, ur understanding, all that u possibly can give. But perhaps that's not the ideal way to go, atleast not always! Atleast that's what I have learnt so far. This should be the case if the other person is really deserving that. But what if the other person has all along just been playing around with u, ur emotions. All this long, these were just a time-pass and u were just a mode for that time-pass!

Now if I am bad at judging people, which I am, I should get back into my cocoon and lock myself up in my own world. Staying away from people, these superficial relations and perhaps everyone ...... away from orkut, gtalk, gmail ..... these three have been the main culprits for me, for all my setbacks with relations.... I should back off and stay away as long as possible....That's not the ideal solution, nor is a permanent one. But then, atleast that will give some respite for the time-being, away from everyone. How many times, such a phase has come in my life ...lost count ... but one thing is certain.... with time, everything becomes normal. Instead of just blindly following one's heart, sometimes one should go with the brain as well.

Keeping myself held back.... with my checked emotions .... closing my eyes to everything happening around and just being me with myself ... that should be the ideal solution for the time-being. I am sure, with time passing by, my emotional dependency will also go away. I just need to back away from everything, keep myself engaged in other works, my own works and not bother or interfere with others. Instead of dragging my feet into their problems, I should let them fight their own battles and me fighting my own. Nothing comes off from this emotional attachments, the less I meddle with others problems, the more happier I will be. I have perhaps got no right to keep myself off from my share of happiness and this emotional dependency has been the biggest cause of all problems and hurts for me. Let me try out, I am sure, with time I will get over it. I will have to ..... It's of no use making a fool of oneself again and again. And if I again don't learn this time as well, even God can't help me out the next time around!