In a soul mate we find, not company but a completed solitude...
My heart feels like crumbling down when I see you depressed...
I feel like being choked when i imagine you crying or in pain
I fear of asking you every now and then, nagging you about how you are, if everything is okay...
But I will do anything to make you smile again
You are my life....., To my soul, you are my much needed food...
Your cheerful, smiling existence fuels mine..
God didn't grant you as my soul mate... I couldn't have you in my life for every breath of mine, for every blink of my eyes...
but yet I constantly feel like we arw uniquely intertwined for ever!
When I get to talk to you, you bring me alive..
I love spending time just being with you, so what if we are miles apart..
Your care, your affection, the trust you place on me to confide everything in...
I feel like living again... You soothe my fiery spirit each time like a cooling balm...
I am a squall, you are my calm...
Once again that buried feeling emerges from the core of my heart --
-- You were created for me and I for you... We are one soul, split in two
Please cheer up... I pray fervently to God to do anything to bring back your smile

Why can't there be a perfect ending to each story?

I fell in love .... inspite of my deficiencies .... But just couldn't know how and when .... just couldn't know at all .... It was unintentional, unintended ..... it shouldn't have been ..... I am n't the right person for you perhaps .... yet this heart is just not listening .....
My whole world has changed upside down .... I am still not been able to understand .... bikhar sa gaya hei sab kuch jaise ...... ek taraf yeh guilt khaye ja rahi hei..... dusri taraf dil ko samjha nahin paa rahi hun.... durr jaana chahati hun, ja nahin paa rahi hun...ek essi koi cheez kheech ke, baandh ke ab tak roki hui hei... apne aap ko chudaa nahin paa rahi hun iss bandhan se ..... I am just not being able to free myself from this bonding, this attachment .... in spite of my deficiencies that I know ....

Can I control whom I fall in love with? Why can't I tame my heart? Why am I not been able to tame this unrelenting heart?

Falling in love with someone "who loves you but isn't in love with you", perhaps......
Being fond of someone very very much and being in love with him or her are perhaps two different things .... There is indeed a vast difference between "loving someone" and "being in love with someone". Why do people get into one-sided love? Humare mann mein jaise achanak feelings aajaate hein, waisa hi feelings dusre ke dil mein kyun nahin aate? Pyar humesah do tarfaa kyun nahin hota? Hum apni khamiyaan jaante huye bhi, kyun dil lagaa bethte hein.... apne khushi ke liye, kyun kisi ke saath khilwaad kar bethte hein, why do we forget about our short comings, our deficiencies? Kya soch ke pyaar kar bethi? Yeh kyun dil ko samjhaa nahin parahi? This is not the real love then.... Agar wakai mein sacha pyaar hotaa, to dusre ki khushi jiss mein hoti, wohi dil chahata ...yeh to selfish wala pyaar hei.... apne ko khush karne wala pyaar. How can I be so selfish? Even after knowing everything, why isn't this heart listening and letting go?

Loving someone who doesn't love you, who is fond of you, likes you but not in that way, who loves you but in the same way as he loves others, who doesn't even know, who isn't even aware of the feelings, is like reaching for a star, you know you'll never reach it, but you still keep trying .... this heart just doesn't listen, even if when I am aware of the practicality, par mann ko samjhaa nahin paarahi. Sab kuch pre-planned kyun nahin ho paata? Why couldn't I come to know of my own feelings before? Why couldn't I stop myself from going further? Yeh dil kisiki suntaa kyun nahin?

Main durr jaane ki koshish karti hun to yeh dard bardaasth nahin hotaa, durr reh nahin paa rahi hun. Humesha, har wakt paas rehna chahati hun, yeh mann nahin maanta durr jaane ko. But looking at myself, aapne khamiyon ko jab dekhti hun, to durr bhagne ko dimaag kehta hei, durr chali jaaun, bahut durr...., par yeh dil durr jaane ko de nahin raha hei...... iss dil aur dimaag ke ladhai mein bich mein rehke main peesh chuki hun, ...... kiski sunnu?? This intense pain is killing me now..... You would be in pain but still would be craving for the special someone, even if knowing that he could never be yours. Why do people dream? Baar baar kyun kichi chali jaa rahi hun? Why amn't I being able to tame my heart? Why amn't I being able to shed off this selfishness of mine?

It's not easy being in love with someone who means everything that you want and have them not feel the same about you! Then again, it's not easy having someone love you and think you are everything they want and you don't feel the same about them....

Can I control whom I fall in love with? Why can't I?
Why can't this love be pre-planned? Why didn't I and couldn't I know whom I was falling for? kyun achanak se pyar aataa hei, sab ulat palat ke chalaa jaata hei. Kya milta hei is dil ko esse dard deke? Why can't I open my eyes to reality? Why am I still wanting something that I know myself that I can't have? That I am perhaps not worthy of getting.. main asli hakhdaar nahin hun...par fhirbi kyun mann maan nahin raha?

jitna bhi koshish kar rahi hun durr jaane ko, sab bhull jaane ko, kyun baar baar mann wahin le jaata hei. Why amn't I being able to be normal like before? Why amn't I being able to be practical? Iss mann ko kyun nahin samjhaa paa rahi hun? Kyun kaaboo mein rakh nahin paa rahi hun?

I don't know why it feels so right when its so wrong, when I know my own failings, my own short-comings.... I cant understand myself, I can't trust my feelings any more. Why did I and how could I not know? that I am falling in love ...
Apne aap se, apne mann se tab se ladhti aarahi hun..... I want to stop myself from thinking about him, have been trying so so hard, but amn't been able to... want to take my thoughts away, want to concentrate on something else, want to keep myself busy in some work, but I amn't been able to take him away from thoughts ... kyun nahin bhullaa paa rahi hun? jitni koshish karti hun durr jaane ko, his thoughts keep coming back. Why are you playing with my feelings, Bhagwanji?

Aakhir main khud kya chahati hun? Durr jaana chahati hun, par durr reh nahin paati ... paas jaa nahin shakti. I want to sleep, want to remain lost in deep sleep, but these sleeping pills are no more effective, they no more are able to induce sleep .... har cheez se mann ugg chuka hei..... why can't I get my mind, my heart blank? Apne hi dil pe apna hi kaabu nahin? ... being with so many people around me, yet remaining cut-off, forlorn, lonesome, all alone... so far away ... lost in thoughts..... bheed mein hote huye bhi tanhaa.... there are so many people around me, everyone loves me so much, they care for me so much but I have become like blind, yeh dil kuch aur dekhta hi nahin, kuch aur samajhta hi nahin ... I am failing to see beyond him, failing to think beyond him.
Sabse bhaag rahi hun...... When I know the reality, when I know that I am day-dreaming, when I know of my own short-comings, still I am not able to control my feelings, why am n't I being able to rein in my feelings, my heart ? ... Why do I continue to day-dream?
When I am fully aware of what should be the practical right ending to the story, why am I still looking for a twist? I have become so confused, confused about my feelings, confused about my selfishness, confused about everything ..... Why am I failing to see beyond my own happiness each time?
Yeh dil kisiki suntaa kyun nahin hei! Will I be able to rein in my feelings, this uncontrollable heart? Why amn't I being able to let you go?

Let the time take its own course

"If you love something, set it free;
if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was"
Sometimes it's very essential that we keep within ourselves and hold ourselves back from others ... instead of thinking about others, we may think about ourselves and let time take its own course. There are a lot of things that we really love -- our parents, husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend or children. One may even be loving his/her car, bike, home or even his/her new mobile phone.

But asking myself a weird question, 'Do I love myself?' Do I love that person I see in the mirror standing in front of it every day? If someone finds that he has many things in life to be grateful for but is still not happy with, the reason may be because he hasn't learnt to love himself.

Now if I analyse even more further and go into my imaginations .....

Imagining that there was someone with whom I had to spend the rest of my life with. I had to spend every minute of every day with this person, day in and day out. This person is the first I see when I wake up in the morning and the last person I see when I go to sleep.

This person is there on all my life's special occasions: my birthday, my college graduation day, my wedding and finally, my funeral. This person is there during all of my life's ups and downs. This person shares my sorrows and my joys.

When I are down, only this person can cheer me up. When I fall, only this person can pick me up. When I set a goal, only this person can give me the motivation and confidence to achieve it. This person will never leave me and is the only one I can truly depend on.

And now suppose If I didn't like this person, wouldn't my life be absolutely miserable? I would be forever stuck to a person I didn't like. I wouldn't be able to do anything! This person is ME!

I am the most important person in my own life!

When one really loves someone, he always want the very best for him or her! He would do anything for him/her. He would make sacrifices for him/her and defend him/her if anyone speaks badly of him/her.

The same thing should go when one loves himself.

To love one self is not to be selfish; to be selfish is to impose onto others for them to love us only the way we want. To love oneself is the first step into being able to love others with an open heart, with understanding, with full devotion by giving them the best of us, and not by giving them all of us without having paid the same respect and attention to our own nature as we do to them. Our love for others is somewhat incomplete if we cannot love our own selves, and it makes sense, how can we love others fully and give them the best love we have when we cannot love the person we are???

So sometimes it's better that we lock ourselves up from others and enjoy being with ourselves ... only me and myself .... and let the time decide on its own. Perhaps doing so will also cure my emotional dependency as well.